How “normal” is it to have women-only baby showers? According to popular media, it’s the way baby showers are done. No men. Additionally, the way showers are discussed can highlight the stereotypical disdain men sometimes have when considering baby showers.
Credit: clevercupcakes photostream. (Creative Commons)
Take, for instance, an episode toward the end of season four of Friends. Monica and Rachel decide to host a baby shower for Phoebe. When Joey hears about the party, he says, “Baby shower? That so doesn’t sound like something I want to do.” Joey is noting that it seems like a boring event, especially when compared to the bachelor party he’s planning. Even though Phoebe is one of his best friends and will be giving birth, this celebration is something he would prefer to miss. Later in the episode the shower is depicted with only women in attendance — no men.
Fast forward a few years to season eight of Friends when Rachel is pregnant. Monica and Phoebe host a baby shower, and again, no men attend. Ross, the father of the baby, comes into the apartment after the guests have left, looks around at all the gifts, and says, “Looks like we got a lot of good stuff.” He states this even though he did not attend or participate in the shower celebrating the future birth of his and Rachel’s daughter. (Watch a video clip.)
In season one of Sex and the City, Charlotte takes a brand name (of course) baby basket to a friend’s shower as a gift. All the shower attendees are women, although Miranda, Samantha, and Carrie aren’t overly enthused to be there. In season four, Steve is not present at Miranda’s baby shower, even though he would be using most of the baby gifts, too.
Some baby shower websites recognize that, while showers are traditionally for women only, there has been an increase in men’s attendance. I wonder if this reflects a more equitable arrangement within families. With all these depictions of women-only baby showers, is popular media just keeping with tradition? If so, does that perpetuate sexist stereotypes that only women are expected to be responsible for raising children, or is it empowering for women to share experiences regarding childbirth and motherhood among themselves?
I’m really excited to attend my cousin’s baby shower next month. I was talking to my aunt about party logistics when we breached the subject of men going to the shower. I thought it was incredibly odd when she told me that men don’t come, showers are for women only.
Isn’t it sexist against both men and women to assume that only the mother will take care of all the baby-related responsibilities? If you were to host a baby shower with feminist values, what would you do?
This blog is cross-posted on sexgenderbody and will appear on the About-Face blog next month.
I’ve attended both. For my last child, I was given three baby showers, one by friends and it was attended by only females, however one by my office that included everyone and the males were just as excited to see every gift and spent time talking about their own excitement with their children. My husband’s job gave him a baby shower as well. I was working and could not attend. There were men and women. I don’t think either scenario is strange. This is a non issue.
Well, I just have to say…those cupcakes look awesome!
I attended a baby shower a few weeks ago, about 1/3 present were men with one 12 year old boy, proudly winning the baby “bingo” game. Having the men there added to the fun and gave other topics of conversation a hearing as well as the typical baby talk. Sounds like tv and media producers haven’t been keeping up with the times…no surprise there.
In the ’90′s my girlfriend’s family made baby showers a family affair. It was just like the 4th of July BBQ. Men were included in the games and the gift opening. Did they oohh and aahh….well actually they did. I recall one gift got rave reviews it was a “dirtbiker” sweatsuit with leather elbows and knee patches. It is all about inclusion not exclusion.
A baby shower with ‘feminist values’? You’ve got to be kidding.
This blog must have been written by someone who does not have children. Can we stop dissecting every event as though it has some sort of earth-shattering significance for gender equity? And please let us not look to white media as the standard for our culture. Friends? Sheesh! My husband and I have had three children and at least 8 baby showers between us–co-ed, men only and women only.
A man not attending a baby shower does not mean that he will not share in childrearing. Do women do most of the work–of course–men can’t breastfeed, for one thing. Go figure. No men at a baby shower? Why not? If women want to talk about c-sections, leaky nipples and stretch marks-why can’t they? These are subjects that make even some women cringe.
Families have different styles and different needs. Not everything can be measured through a gender lens.
I have been to tons of baby showers where only women were in attendance. I think you are right that it is traditionally assumed that the woman is responsible for raising the child. Just recently I attended 2 baby showers where men were in attendance. They were in the same family that seems to have more equitable arrangements for raising the children based on my observation. In addition, I was invited to a coworker’s party where men were invited as well. Her mother in law didn’t want men there but she did it anyway. Another recent baby shower was called a “diaper party” and it was given specifically for the father to be. I had never heard of this before but there were all men in the basement and the women were upstairs. I think the norm is women only but many people are changing that. I don’t have children but if I do I believe that men will be invited to the baby shower. I have friends that are men and it’s unfair to exclude them from the festivities.